calculus

I wonder sometimes which parts of me are most valuable. I hope the mental calculus can save me then, tell me to drop the exercise, pick up the pen, reach out to her. The equations will remind me that failures do factor in, but not as much as I imagined. The numbers will all add up and I will find myself defined. I’ll know the respective values of the parts that sum me. So I can hold each in my hands and inspect it, late at night in bed where those things are done, to see my own beauty. I used to think my life was about building, constructing myself over years into someone I loved. But I am already a home and now I must learn to repair myself.

-w